Andrew celebrates his first birthday in two weeks. We're all very excited. I've been busy crafting and planning a simple but awesome picnic bash so we can celebrate his life with our closest friends and family. Amid the party plans I've been trying to write his birthday letter. I'm stuck. I have so much that I want to share with him about our first year together... many happy memories of a very full heart that I want to put in writing but I can't seem to get it right. I've done this a few times now, it's a tradition that started with our oldest daughter...I should be able to do this! However, I've only written one letter to a son. It didn't get to be a cheerful celebration of his life, it turned out to be more about letting go of the dreams I had for him instead. I wanted him. It's still insanely painful to not know if he'd love trying to climb the stairs or if he'd think the trampoline was the best thing ever just like Andrew does... He'd be six years old now. So much about our family has changed. So much about the way I love him hasn't.
Amid all of the fun Hollingsworth family celebrations coming up I want to take the time to celebrate another special Hollingsworth son. This birthday letter is something I wanted to share, for no other reason than that I love him.
We have a tradition in this house on first birthdays. Something we started with Abby, planned for you son, and will do for Addia and any other future Hollingsworth children in this home. Tucked away for safe-keeping is a decorated birthday box that we made for Abby when she turned one. She won’t get to open until she turns 16. In that box are all kinds of fun things from her first year with us-some pictures, a favorite toy, a favorite book, etc.
There were also some things that we thought our 16 year old daughter might like years from now- a nice bible , a car (matchbox in this case), the Chronicles of Narnia series, pictures and magazine articles on things that 16 year old girls liked when we made that box for her. I think Daddy included notes in those articles about what was and was not considered appropriate “trendy” clothing for teenage girls…things of that nature.
Most importantly there were letters to Abby from the family that came to her birthday, most of them are sealed and I have no idea what they contain- that is personal for her to read later but I do know what my letter said. It recounted in great detail my memories of our first year together and oozed with the sentimental mushy love that I feel for our precious daughter and the delight that her Daddy and I find in her every day. I remember addressing it to “My dear Toddling Terror” which is what I called your sister when she got on my nerves with her curious energy (I called her that more often that I called her by name). I worked on that letter for at least a month before her birthday and remember being frustrated with your Daddy when he whipped his letter to her up in about 10 minutes the day before her birthday (an example of the differences in husbands and wives).
I don’t get to treasure any keepsakes from your first year…I don’t have any idea what you love doing or what makes you smile and that hurts me so much. I can’t pull out pictures of you or really even know what you look like. I’m not going to be able to watch you open your birthday box on your 16th birthday and allow you to go cruising around town in Dad's car after using way too much axe cologne (thank God because I’d have a heart attack). But I can write your birthday letter and I can send you all my best wishes today, just like I do every other day. Here it is.
Dear Son,
This is terribly difficult to write. I’ve tried it a million times this month and it always comes out garbled up and incoherent, but that is okay because that is how I have felt since losing you. I want it to be perfect; I want it to remind you of how much we love you and make you feel like you are right here in our arms on this special day. So far I haven’t been able to find the words for any of that.
After crying many times and putting a lot of thought into it I am still stuck. The thing that keeps coming back to me is the movie UP. I have strong love/hate feelings for that movie. I am completely convinced that I will never be able to watch it without crying. You would think that I'd chose not to watch a show that makes me feel that way but I always come back to it and it is (not so secretly anymore I guess) in my top three movie list.
I cry...I do, right at the beginning when she is sitting in that chair outside in the sunshine with a broken heart…because I know that. I often feel as though I could just sit in the rocking chair staring out the window as all the seasons pass by with me never even really noticing the snow fall, the sun shine, the flowers bloom…everything is various shades of gray some days and it’s days like those that make me cry when I see that movie.
But that isn’t the part of the movie that keeps drawing me in, it’s the wow moment that occurs in my heart when the grumpy old man picks up that book that breaks his heart each day and starts flipping through it, starts feeling it and remembering it, and then gets to that page that is the source of his pain and has the courage to flip it over only to find out that the world didn’t end with that one unrealized dream. That adventure was cut short but was worth dreaming of and hoping for. It also opened the door for other adventures- like the one that couple got to share in their married life together. I know that God is trying to speak to me with this. Some days it is easier to listen than others and I will be honest that I am not ready yet to completely flip that page over but I am glad to know that God has provided me with new adventures to fill the pages of our adventure book and some days I can almost hear you say “Thanks for the adventure Mommy- now go have a new one.” I hope you are having great adventures too, document them well I want to hear all about them and see lots of pictures someday!
Hmm, Brandon Heath is on the radio singing his newest song Love Never Fails right now. That is a very appropriate ending to your birthday letter, I feel like that song is a hug from you whenever I hear it- I even find myself listening to K-Love on the radio just for a chance to hear it because they play it so often. Happy birthday son, give them some trouble up there okay? I love you Isaac!
Love,
Mommy
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